Do i have derealization?

I feel like im in a dream and i wanna kill myself again. so many times have i held a knife in my hand but just couldnt do it because of my boyfriend. or tylenol. i overdosed. and went to the hospital in may i think. and now this feeling just wont go away. i dont even know. i just wanna spend a few more days with him and then ill take the tylenol. it works because last time i was 20 minutes away from dying.. sso it should work this time too. or ill just do it tonight if this gets worse. maybe ill wake up and be myself again. i talked to alot of people but no one could help me. people close to me tho. i couldnt trust a stranger with my feelings. i used to get all hyperventilating and stuff. now i just feel like all my feelings are distant from me. i think i might do it tonight. i know it wont get better ive tried everything. and i dont even care anymore. i still do about richard. but this is just a dream anyway. i guess thats why im asking this. i still care about him and i dont want him to be hurt. so in case there is anything that might help me that i havent tried yet. please tell me?