Family Help...if you know any online counselors that are FREE you can also include a link please :)?

I have issues with my mom. I hate talking to her. We are from very different cultures. I cut, and occasionally drink and smoke because of her. I don't let her touch me at all and if she does touch me, even accidentally, i feel like i'm going to hyperventilate and wait till she leaves and then i leave to my room. I am scared, but sort of also hope for, rape. This is because of one time when we had an argument and she ended up on top of me, rape position, and we were both crying and she was yelling. I thought she was going to kill me and i swore to myself i would kill her if she ever tried to harm me. I was holding a sharp metal thing in my hand very tightly during the incident. My mom is NOT abusive, she's only hit me a few times out of violence. She's a very good person by herself we just do not get along with each other. We are a family of 12 (none of the kids are adopted). We are both Christians and our family is a very high standing family in the church community. She has helped a lot of individuals when they have had problems. The first time i remember hating her was about age 8. We had about a half a year period where we were both MAJOR ***** to each other 24/7, but now we are 'ok' and can sort of talk about regular things, but i still hate it, and we NEVER talk about issues, and thats the way i want it because i never grew up talking about issues with anybody and its very un-natural to me. I trust two of my friends with knowing this stuff. I have over 100+ friends who i know i could trust that i can count off the top of my head. One of the friends i trust is a psychologist major, just going into grad school. Also, I'm 15 years old. I am beginning college in the falI. Shes made me want to cry every night for the past two weeks but nothing has changed BETWEEN us and i don't know why I'm suddenly more depressed. I HATE crying and trained myself not to cry in front of people. I'v actually cried three times in the last two weeks, two of the times were last night and the night before that and one of the times my psychologist friend came in and i't made me cry more. I need help guys....